No Time This Morning….

I’m just editing training videos….YAWN….

About the most boring thing to do on the most boring day on the week.

 

Just getting through the hour.

So work is the shit right now.  Without getting into too much detail, my boss is a prick and might just force me to quit a job that I have had for seven years.  The funny thing is, and this is true with so many aspects in my life right now, I haven’t wanted to work there for at least the last five year and I certainly wouldn’t be upset if I HAD to move on.  The timing is just really bad.  I really need my insurance right now, thanks to the Tyrant (Which is what we have nicknamed the baby).  My betrothed has coverage, but I work for a hospital so mine is immensely better.

The very bad part about all this is that I haven’t done anything.  My boss, whom I have known for years, just doesn’t like me.  I know this.  I have know this for a long time, but he hasn’t always been my boss.  So he is uber critical of my work performance, freaks out over the littlest things, and talks behind my back so much that I feel like I am in high school.  I don’t know what I have done to this man and I certainly don’t know how to change it.  My strategy has been simply to excel at my job and make sure he has no reason to get on my case.  However, this isn’t working.  He never sees when I do a good job.  He only talks to me to criticize me and most of the things he comes to me with are invented.  So what do I do?  I have heard when you face any sort of conflict, to look at yourself first, dissect your part in it and then maybe you can see their side.  I try and keep mindful of the things I could improve on and work on them daily.

This kind of thing could drive you crazy.  My fiance’ tells me I worry far too much about what people think.  I should just break up my day into hours and make each hour the best it can be.  I shouldn’t worry about scenarios that haven’t happened yet.  So for this hour I still have a job.  For this hour everything is perfect.

 

Playing Nice…

I’ve always had a little trouble with people.  I don’t know how to describe it, except to say I have never been one for socializing.  I find myself far more interesting.  That’s not to say that people don’t have anything interesting to say,or wacky happinings and such.  I just find the whole process incredibly nerve wracking…

How do you get people to like you?  How do you keep them entertained?

It seems that the more I plunge myself into the social stratosphere, the more I realize I am not the same as everybody else.  It makes me feel like an outcast, like there is something I should be doing that I just can’t get down.  I have operated that way my whole life.  I have pushed people away.  I blogged regularly a few years ago.  It was a simple release for me, a way to jot my thoughts down in the middle of the night, send my problems out into the big woo.  I enjoyed it until I realized that all of these bloggers are people.  They are not just faceless words on the screen, but people just like me, sitting in their living rooms, sorting out their own fucked up lives.

Although I met people that I have come to love and still talk to in my real existence, I also found the same drama that exists offline.  There are bullies, cliques, broken love affairs, jealousy…it is almost heightened because people can hide their faces.  They can turn off their computers and walk away.

And thats what I did.

I walked away from social networking.

In the time that I was away, my life changed.  I was still drowning in a dead end job, still sans any close friends, my son was deeply rooted in his teenage years and I realized that he wasn’t going to be with me forever and he certainly didn’t need me to take care of him anymore.  I also realized I was never going to be the next Kubrick or Vonnegut.  I was just a girl.  Just a nameless faceless person on a planet of billions.  So I decided I needed to start living my life.

I started making plans for when the boy left home.  Maybe I was going to live on nothing and travel, maybe I was going to pick it all up and move to NYC…be a real live starving artist.  I started to feel promise again.  That was when I met the one person on this earth who gets me.  That’s when I snagged that mythical beast…the man who loves you unconditionally.  That’s when I fell in love for the very first time in my thirty-four years.

…And then I found out I was pregnant.

My life is not changing in the way I thought.  It is flipping into something very different than I thought it would ever be.  Now my tears, stomping and cursing have turned into acceptance.  Now I turn to the one thing that got me straight last time I felt the seams popping…

Welcome to my blog.